because I held on too long to what happened before
because I thought too much about maintaining the status quo
of the good times now
because I didn’t want to rock the boat
because I couldn’t bear for you to shout at me again
(a rare thing
just one time
but that was more than enough)
because I didn’t feel like the daughter
and you didn’t (know how to) behave like the dad
because I wanted to bask in your sunshine
like a satisfied seal on summer-heated rocks
because
because
because
now you’re gone and I can never ask you –
why?
why?
why?
and I only have the echo of your voice
in the cavernous shadows of my mind
and I only have your smile
slightly faded now, in my eye
because of all of this and so much more –
I ask questions
I seek answers
just
in
case.
a hard lesson, cruelly earned.
I’m thankful.
I think.
dVerse Poetics this week is hosted by guest host CC, who blogs here.
Our prompt this week is to think and write about mistakes we have made – have we learned from them? Did they have a silver lining? Were they the worst thing ever, even with the clarity of hindsight?
I wasn’t going to take part – not because I couldn’t think of anyhting to write, but because I damn well could, and some days, I am filled with ‘if only’ and ‘what if I..?’. You know. But I grabbed the thorny rose and I am glad I did. It’s cathartic. And I know the lovely dVerse community will be equally as honest – and that’s a comfort to me, to know that we’re all just human and none of us perfect.
Can I encourage you once again to open the door of the dVerse Poets’ Pub and stop by for a drink, a natter and a read? Maybe write your own thoughts down and share them too? We don’t bite – well, only if asked 😉
Freya Writes... 
I think this is your strongest poem yet of you and your father… Sometimes we think of those questions when it’s already too late. There are those questions.
Thank you, Bjorn. It was very much stream of consciousness, but sometimes that’s the best way for me.
Gosh! This poem is so powerful!
Thank you, Sanaa
My hubby has this nagging question until now because my father in law died unexpectedly ~ It’s really difficult when one has unresolved issues with a parent or a loved one, and they leave us before we can find closure ~ Thanks for the personal share; and hope writing this helps you somehow ~
Yes, when you don’t get the time, when you can’t plan, it leaves you suspended in animation a little. Writing it out is cathartic for me. Thank you, Grace.
Really, Freya, I appreciate the honesty of this poem…. It is, I think, the kind of poem CC intended when she gave the prompt she did. I think sometimes there is a lot of pain in looking back, but sometimes writing about it is helpful. I feel your pain in the realization that you can no longer ask him questions. Gut level – real writing! Commendable.
Thank you, Mary. I did think twice before writing this, but only because it meant facing the irreversible head on. But it is good to write it out.
I have a feeling that this will be cathartic for others as well. I have a similar regret, to a lesser degree, but still just wish I had done something, said something…Maybe the blessing behind this is that you will remind someone else what they need to do.
That’s a good way of looking at this. I hadn’t thought of that. Thank you.
I appreciate the format and the flow. It really reeled me in.
Thank you, Nan.
YES. I feel this, deeply. Wisdom comes along with the pain…some days we know it’s worth it. Others, notsomuch.
It ebbs and flows, for sure.
Wow, Freya, this is so poignant and deep…..and “because I wanted to bask in your sunshine
like a satisfied seal on summer-heated rocks” adds such rich imagery to the depths of meaning and feeling here. Stunning! Thank you for so bravely ‘grabbing the thorny rose’–I’m so glad you did 🙂
Thank you, CC. Funny, the imagery of the seals was directly taken from a holiday in San Francisco, where the seals laze in the sun near the pier. It’s strange how seemingly unrelated things link together.
Oh, I love the seals on the piers in San Francisco…..could watch them for hours 🙂
😊
So full of emotions… it brings back a lot of memories from my childhood… unfortunately or fortunately (depends on how one sees it) I know the answers. It’s something better than nothing, I guess. Best is to learn from it and use it for good by helping others in the same turmoil.
Thank you, NJ. Yes, the best to do is learn and help others where you can.
Wow.. so raw and heartfelt and deep. Such a poignant piece Frey. You gave us something to ponder on with this one. Thank you for an inspiring poem..
Thank you, Maria.
My pleasure.. 🙂
I believe that two people can never understand each other in total, no matter how close they are. We all have our self-interests from which we act. It could be any two relationships. When that is the case, we all will have frictions with the other. It is difficult to let go of things while people are around, because, their presence keeps us caught up in the mind, in the issues we have had. Unfortunate, that we just can’t forget or overlook things and restart our relationships from scratch while people are with us. When, that is the case, the greatest tragedy that can fall upon us is the loss of the other. Because, so many things are untold, so many things unanswered between the two and both took for granted that there will come a day when things could be resolved or spoken and clarified.
I think, if one wishes to liberate oneself and the other, one has to understand that as human beings we all have our limitations, we all act from our interests and so is the case with the other. In spite of the other’s limitation, can we stand up, even though, it is late now, but, still, can we stand up to forgive the other person for anything done, not-done, said and not-said. Unconditional forgiveness. Without a pinch of ill-feeling for anything of the past. I feel it has a tremendous healing power. If ever you have questions again about the past, just be silent and let go the thought, because in reality, you have forgiven and freed the other, in turn yourself. I wish you well. Apologize if the response was uncalled for.
You are indeed right – we all enter our relationships, personal, professional, just in passing, with our own self-interests and personal point of view. It is impossible for us to completely understand others because we are always looking at life through our own lens. We have no option to do anything but that.
It is a rare thing, to meet someone who experiences you without judgment. When it does happen (and it can), it feels so alien (I know, for I have been a recipient of that kind of connection).
I don’t always feel the way I expressed in my poem, about my dad and his sudden and unexpected death. In fact, I feel this way less and less, and there is a huge measure of acceptance that he was just a man, just doing the best that he could, given the tools he had available to him.
I guess this poem is more about catharsis, sorting out my thoughts, getting them out of my head and onto the ‘page’.
I do feel liberated most days now – it just takes time, doesn’t it?
And apologies are certainly not necessary – thank you for your insights and wisdom.
By the way – are comments disabled on your poem/blog?
I totally agree with you. I just felt like putting in a word, in case, it could be of the most negligible help.
Yes, it wasn’t enabled, have enable the comments section now.
Offered help is always welcome 🙂
Glad you think that way 🙂
🙂
A wistful recollection held close to heart, Freya! I truly enjoyed you poem.
Thank you, Walt.
One of the best poems I have read for this prompt. Great job. 🙂
Gosh, thank you!
SAdly.. i tried my best
but i’m afraid my father
had no way in words for me
to get to know him no matter
how hard i tried over years
of weekend visits.. to honor his
face was easy in 46 years of Law Enforcement
order.. to find the door to his heARt.. more
impossible than
escaping
then from
Prison.. and
he’s gone but sadly
there is no regret as
he had no way out
in life’s open heARt..
i accept it.. cherish the face
and move on to be my own Father now..:)
This is powerful and sad. I have unresolved issues with both of my deceased parents, so this resonates strongly with me. The repetition of the single word “because” is especially haunting. Strong concept, strong poem.
Thank you, Barry. It can be very hard at times.
Brave Freya, tackling your own demons. I like the ambiguity of the ending – was it cathartic or no?
That’s a good question. Probably yes.
“like a satisfied seal on summer-heated rocks” An amazing line!
Thank you!