I’m not as resilient as I used to think
I am hollowed out and my mouth
is emptied when I most need to speak.
Fear steals my words and amplifies my thoughts –
the worst-case scenarios
they haunt me
when all I want to do is
express how I feel
share my emotions
let you know me.
Now that, that all silences me.
I’m no longer a woman
I’m the little girl waiting at the window
who never comes.
I put on a brave face
hid behind my curtain of unruly hair
and pretended everything was fine.
Who was I fooling?
I never had a poker face
I never will.
Nothing changes so very much.
Even if the damn words won’t come out
they’re all there
waiting to be freed
if I could only let them.
I’m silenced by the distant past
catching up and tripping me.
And I’m never prepared.
I can’t unravel it on my own. Will you help me?
Here’s my entry into this week’s dVerse Poetics, hosted by the lovely Abhra who is, sadly, saying goodbye as one of the trusty and dedicated barkeeps at our wonderful bar. Sometimes, you just have to recognise when it’s time to move on.
The theme this week is unintended farewells. I did struggle with this a bit (and only partially because WordPress had a bit of a melt-down yesterday), since I didn’t want to hark back directly to the sudden and unexpected loss of my dad, which many of you have read about.
My entry is more to do with the consequences of that, and a few other chicanes in the road that have been part of my life over the past few years. I do feel as if I’m no longer the person I used to be. Sometimes, it’s bloody hard, sometimes, I see glimmers of someone else far more positive and creative than I was. It’s a confusing mess, but at least it’s life!
Please do head on over to the blog and this week’s Poetics to read more poety goodness – and to wish Abhra well, of course!.