I’m not as resilient as I used to think
I am hollowed out and my mouth
is emptied when I most need to speak.
Fear steals my words and amplifies my thoughts –
the worst-case scenarios
the shadows
the insecurities
the ghosts
they haunt me
when all I want to do is
express how I feel
share my emotions
let you know me.
Be me.
Now that, that all silences me.
I’m no longer a woman
I’m the little girl waiting at the window
for someone
who never comes.
I put on a brave face
hid behind my curtain of unruly hair
and pretended everything was fine.
Who was I fooling?
I never had a poker face
I never will.
Nothing changes so very much.
Even if the damn words won’t come out
they’re all there
waiting to be freed
if I could only let them.
I’m silenced by the distant past
catching up and tripping me.
And I’m never prepared.
Never prepared.
I can’t unravel it on my own. Will you help me?
Here’s my entry into this week’s dVerse Poetics, hosted by the lovely Abhra who is, sadly, saying goodbye as one of the trusty and dedicated barkeeps at our wonderful bar. Sometimes, you just have to recognise when it’s time to move on.
The theme this week is unintended farewells. I did struggle with this a bit (and only partially because WordPress had a bit of a melt-down yesterday), since I didn’t want to hark back directly to the sudden and unexpected loss of my dad, which many of you have read about.
My entry is more to do with the consequences of that, and a few other chicanes in the road that have been part of my life over the past few years. I do feel as if I’m no longer the person I used to be. Sometimes, it’s bloody hard, sometimes, I see glimmers of someone else far more positive and creative than I was. It’s a confusing mess, but at least it’s life!
Please do head on over to the blog and this week’s Poetics to read more poety goodness – and to wish Abhra well, of course!.
Freya Writes... 
I so admire your struggle with goodbyes… to go back and become a child is one way to deal with it… Yes we are filled with fear I think.
It certainly means that life isn’t dull. Thank you, Bjorn.
to hide behind a curtain of unruly hair — those words say much. Each step we take, we say goodbye in essence to the step behind us. Our hope is to move forward — not sidewise and not backwards. One foot at a time.
One foot at a time, yes indeed. Thank you, Lillian.
I really like this piece. I admire your bravery in laying your heart out in the open.
Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
It’s hard to say goodbye. We can never go back. There is always an emptiness inside, when a loved one dies. Your words are powerful in this piece.
Thank you. No, we can never go back.
I am hollowed out and my mouth
is emptied when I most need to speak.. that is poignant and beautifully written.
Thank you so much.
Heartfelt indeed. My wife lost her dad unexpectedly last year, and I see her going through some of the same things as you. No matter how old you get, you still miss your daddy.
I’m so sorry to read of your wife’s loss. The experience is like nothing else. And it’s so hard for those supporting someone through their grief too.
We can put rhymy words on a page, but to write your soul so unabashedly and deeply is what makes us poets. This piece exemplifies that fact for me, Freya Poet!
Thank you so much, Walt!
Such a powerful tribute.
Thank you, Sanaa.
For me at least..
a life of Beta brain
wave being of solve
this problem now now
now.. of course most all
work related as rat race then..
but now i find
retired with
no more
rat race
worries..
the creativity
fLows freer close
to alpha.. and even
theta waves of MiNd iN
FloW ZoNe noW.. i suppose
tHeir IS A Science of Creativity
but of course a 1 step to 5 step
or whatever old crusty formula
WiLL noT work for no repeatable
HearT for mE at LEast FReED
FloW moVinG LeTTiNG
aLL the Tension iN
mY body go..
iN EmoTioNal
REgulation and
Sensory Integration
was the answer but
so hard iT was for me
to raise my arms to the
sky as a man in the homophobic
red state south.. but that is history..
now is free.. i can ballet and martial
arts all i like.. as the tire of wheel is FULL
tread re-tired aGain.. anyway.. yOur words
inpiRed aLL oF thiS.. so thank you FrIEnd..:)
You have so many words inside you! I envy your productivity rate 🙂
Thank you.
Ha.. SMiLes..
Yes.. Like
A tSuNaMi..;)
She told us all about herself,
And, in the end
She asked for help.
Each one in shock,
Asked their own self,
“Did she just speak about me,
Or, tell about herself?”
Because, all of what
She was going through,
Pain, agony, fear and despair,
Was, essentially, true,
For each one of them too.
And, each has had a long wait,
Like her, for that someone,
Who would come and satiate.
An old man, stood,
Walked up to her,
Put his shivering hand,
Softly, on her shoulder,
And, said, “I seem to be
The oldest among you all,
And, I say to you,
There wasn’t a day
When I didn’t pray
For that someone,
Who would transform
My dismay into gay.
Many came, many went,
But, to me, that someone
Hadn’t yet been sent.
The wait for someone,
Perpetually continued,
Fueled by my hope,
Added days to my months,
Months to my years,
Years to my decades,
And, finally,
Regret to my despair.
As great has been my wait,
So deep has been my fall.
And, only some time back,
I began to see,
That if you really desire to transform,
This depressing state,
Start to understand the reasons,
For your fate.
There is the truth,
Known to you,
Or in front of your eye
You have to embrace
And, not shun or shy.
That your thirsty soul
Could only be filled
By the water you bring,
Anyone’s water will never satiate,
No matter how much
You are offered,
Or, how much you drink.
That you are your only means
To find your way,
Please don’t let your life,
Like my life, in illusion, pass away.”
The old man, then,
Put a hand on her head,
And, walked out of the door,
Wherever the path lead.
Thank you for this, Sandeep, it’s beautiful. Is it your work?
Yes. And, it is because of your work!
I’m honoured! Thank you so much! It’s beautiful.
I didn’t want to mention that until you read it. I believed that the narrator of your work had to be responded with that. Glad you found it worthy.
You have so much talent, Sandeep. Thank you so much again.
🙂 Please let me know if I you are cool with me linking your post to my post on my blog as your post stimulated my thought for the post.
Hi Sandeep – I have no problem at all with you doing that! Thank you! 🙂
Alright then.. I will do it right away. 🙂